I do love her

I try to resist. And I thin she tries to resist.
We love each other, and cannot, or will not, be together.

I can't bring myself to leave the relationship I'm in. Why? I don't really know. Lots of reasons to do so, and an vague intangeble that says stay. And the vagueness wins.
And she wants an ideal, I think that isn't me. Not that she will ever find that ideal, I know deep in my heart that she won't. But she holds out that hope, which would keep her from being happy with me.
So we're stuck

Depply in love with each other, and deeply attached to each other, and avoiding the hell out of each other.

And, damn it, we've been doing this for 15 years!!!!!!!!

- She's the only preson in the world I am truely honest with.
- I'm the only person in the world who accepts, and enjoys, all her foibles.
- We like doing the same things.
- We're fantastic in bed together (on those rare occasions where we've let ourselves be).
- What the Hell.

Ahhhh, dammit it. I Love you, Beth!

The Goal, part 1

The story starts, and continues.

I'm always so torn about the essense of me. yes, it's a stupid What's the point Of Life entry, jeez, at 47 you would think I'm past that.
But, but, but, people seem to take this sooo much more seriously than I do, I feel like I should actually care about this stuff more than I do.

I talk to people who consider themselves spiritual, or even Zen, and they just seem to be so far from understandng what they are professing to beleive that I start thinking I'm very wrong. But I ain't.

If you are Zen, then nothing matters. It doesn't. That doesn't. This doesn't.

There is NO GOOD AND EVIL for those of us who profess to not beleive in a God, either through Zen, Earth Mother, Universal Conciousness, or whatever.

C'mon folks, you're saying it, believe it! The Universal Mind doesn't have good and evil, it has Stuff That Is. Stuff That Is doesn't have a sham human moral component, is Just Is.

There isn't any universal Good and Evil unless you beleive in a master arbiter of values, like the christian god. If you don't beleive that, then please stop talking about moral characteristics of universal behaviour.

Please at least TRY to be consistent, people.

I guess this really frosts me becuase I am a truely amoral being, and when I meet others who profess to being amoral it turns out tehy ain't, they do have capitol G Good and capitol B Bad in their minds. Sheesh.

And dammit, I'm not a psychopath when i say that slitting a persons throat is not Evil or Bad. Death has no moral component, you say it in general, but you can't apply it to a reality!

And NO I'm not saying (nor did many Zen teachers) say "run about slitting throats!". There is still a strong social, community, pressure that makes slitting throats NOT part of a healthy human community. But it ain't Evil, it's just downright unsociable!

And unsociable is MUCH more relevant to human interaction than Good and Evil! Good and Evil never brought in a harvest of wheat. Community cooperation did.

OK, this isn't helping. Y'all need to understand what you mean and act right, OK?